Mind the Gap
It’s been almost three months since I wrote my last piece on a site that’s supposed to be published weekly. Not that anyone is keeping score or waiting with bated breath, but my only excuse is that my dissertation got in the way; that and a surprisingly temperate and delightful English summer.
It’s over now – both summer that’s already being called autumn despite the benign sun still shining on our heads (I’m not too fussed because it’s September) and my thesis. I think I did a good job, and I’m hoping it will help me get employed again.
That aside, this isn’t really about the time gap since my last post, but rather a more reflective piece on the various gaps in life that determine the quality of our relationships. It’s something that often keeps me up at night, and I’m writing this down to work through my own thoughts as well.
Starting with friendships, I have different friends from different stages of life, and I think I’m different versions of myself with them. With the passionate friend, I believe in dreams and growth, with the sportive one, I’m all about comfort and laughs. I have a kind friend who makes me believe in the goodness of people, a worldly-wise friend who tempers my fanciful thoughts and a childhood friend who teaches me the importance of learning to accept the evolving nature of both people and friendships.
Yet, I also find friendships complex to navigate. I resent it when I cannot show my real self, or address festering wounds of even innocuous slights. More recently, I’ve made new tentative friends of sorts in the city I’ve moved to, dates converted to friendship (when there wasn’t any romantic angle to make it awkward) and discovered to my chagrin that I’m not as nonchalant as I thought myself to be.
So, I decided to make a little list of gaps worth minding when stepping into something new or carrying on with the old, that’ll save you heartache and help retain the warmth in a relationship, so that when the going gets tough, you can still get going.
Topping the list is the Liking Gap – At its simplest, it asks you to be honest with yourself and with each other. Is there genuine liking involved, or do the conversations cut more than they connect? Is it simply a force of habit, or is there actual joy in the other’s wins? Consolation is easy; celebration requires real affection. Also, in uncertain equations, if you are the one who likes the other more, ask if the imbalanced dynamic is something you are ok with, or will it chip away at your sense of self-worth if the other handles it carelessly? Friendships should be a source of steadiness and support, not unease. When it no longer nurtures, either mutually repair it or bravely walk away.
Next comes the Honesty Gap – On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable are you with having difficult conversations and, more importantly, how are those conversations received? Is there self-reflection and empathy, or judgement and accusations? Do apologies flow freely in both directions, or does it feel like one person carries the weight of accountability? Honesty, delivered with kindness, and received with openness, has the magical power to plough through discomfort and offer real scope for healing, growth, and understanding. It lets people feel seen rather than diminished and mends hearts before they harden. Most friendships rely on easy banter and light-hearted moments, which are chicken soup for the soul, but in times of need, it is Sadness that saves the day and gives way to Joy.
The Curiosity Gap – Perhaps the most underrated on the list, curiosity (and I’m not talking about the nosy Aunt Petunia variety here) is the quiet heartbeat of connection and the antidote to judgement. If you are an over-sharer, you don’t have to wait for questions, and maybe, as a good listener, you pick up on cues and nudges more easily. It’s great if the exchange of information is automatic and reciprocal. It’s even ok if it’s slightly skewed. But if there is a singular lack of curiosity on one side, it signals disinterest. Its absence is a reality check and a reminder to recalibrate expectations and reassess your investment in the relationship. Curiosity, like presence, is a deliberate act of kindness that creates space for an overthinking mind to relax and engage without inhibition.
This is a short list, and I’m not getting into table-stakes like shared values, respect or communication. This is more about the elusive gaps, where you are never sure if conflict is merited or if you are maybe being difficult. No relationship is without flaws. There will always be mismatched effort, awkward silences or difficult truths. But if the liking is sound, the honesty frequent, and the curiosity alive, the rest will take care of itself. If not, there’s gentler wisdom in letting things fade, grateful for what they were, and lighter for what you’ve learned.
