Sweet November

November in London is the long-stretched autumn I wasn’t prepared for, making its way to winter, shedding leaves, turning moody and somehow still undecided on the weather. I usually carry a jacket on top of my sweater for my daily walk, and suddenly it gets too sunny for either.

I’m not complaining (yet), even though it has been a year and a half of unemployment. Somewhere in between, I fit in a one-year MSc course, which my cousin kindly contradicting me said, did not amount to a gap year.

So my evolution has come full circle: disbelief, acceptance, action, work, emptiness, question mark.

It’s fitting that these existential questions have surfaced in November, a time of pause, between two high-decibel festive months. Now I’m an optimist, or at least I’d like to believe that and have been consciously and consistently telling myself that things are moving in the right direction, even if I can’t quite see how. My life attests to blessings in disguise. Things have miraculously worked out in my favour when I least expected them to, so I’m going to bet on experience instead of despair, put some lip balm and carry on.

I’ve also been doing a Timothée Chalamet movie marathon, since I have the time. I think after SRK, who is my all-time favourite movie star, Lil Timmy Tim gets the mantle for being an all-round fabulous actor and cutie.

I think I can hold space in my heart for more than one celebrity crush. Just as writing a love letter to London in September sent me into a tizzy, I’ve come to realise that love for a city doesn’t diminish the love you feel for your homeland, nor does crushing on a stellar actor diminish the timeless affection you hold for your cinematic icon.

I guess for the first time in a long time, it’s a lesson for me to be ok with stillness. I no longer have assignments or applications to chase. I have a month’s worth of waiting before I can apply to new visas or jobs that won’t require sponsorship. And it’s both calming and terrifying. The question mark seems to stretch without an end in sight, and the slow-burning montage no longer feels transitional. The cliché goes that it’s more enjoyable to journey than to arrive (especially if it’s a fun bunch on the road), but at least there is tranquillity in the certainty of arrival.

November for me has become the uncertain time to feel a contradictory range of emotions, from gratitude and restlessness to fear, faith and surrender. I can only hope that it is the lull before the charm.  

“You are braver, stronger, smarter, and a winner at cosplaying than you’ll ever know.”